Nightmarch -Issue 12

Our first port of call was the Windmill Club go-go on Soi Diamond. Regulars pretty much know what to expect in this den: ladies whose standard handshake involves her mitt on your member or, if you happen to be the type who likes to sit as close to the action as possible, you might find the initial introduction is a very informal invitation to engage in an impromptu muff dive. Not really a place for the shy, retiring, wallflower type. Draft amber fluid is the discounted thirst-quencher at just 45 baht. The Bangkok writer made the comment that Thai rotgut at 50 baht was tremendous value considering the rapacious imposts charged by the chrome pole palace operators in the City of Angels.

We then made the short trek down to Walking Street and across the road into Iron Club go-go. The man from LA made a slight error of judgement by taking a bench seat near the front stage rather than advancing deeper into the den where the real action takes place, around the Jacuzzi and back platforms. Before we had the chance to warm our seats we were approached by three wallet emptiers and approximately 10.78 seconds later the serving wenches were performing the standard elbow bending routine to indicate we should purchase a lady drink (at 120 baht) for our newfound paramours. The music in Iron is loud, but then again, conversation is not what punters are liable to be interested in. The collection of genuinely impressive bodies at the back of the den is what drags most punters through the door: I have a feeling some of these damsels have been grain fed from birth, with natural chest measurements worthy of any centrefold model. Mammaries are made of this. I am also led to believe they charge like a wounded rhinoceros for anything resembling a bout of mattress dancing. Anywhere between 3,000 and 5,000 baht for a cavity inspection. I suppose there are people out there who don’t care how much they are gouged as long as they can then boast of having ‘had’ one of these raunchy sirens.

We dropped into Airport go-go next door, but my friends didn’t want to put up with another place playing loud music, and, besides, it was, not surprisingly, packed to the rafters. So we wandered a few metres down the road and into the brand new The Cavern go-go. This was formerly Sisterz and, prior to that, the long-established Honey. It had its official opening the night prior to our sojourn.

The Cavern is a theme den with faux rocks and installations and the chrome pole molesters are dressed in leopard-print bikinis, some missing their tops. The main stage in The Cavern runs along the right-hand side of the den and while the music is standard car alarm, most of the dancing damsels were at least moving, rather than simply engaging in the usual chrome pole shuffle. Drinks run to 59 baht for draft amber, 99 baht for lolly water, and 105 baht for liver wasters. There were plenty of customers but it was noticeable that hardly any had attracted the attention of a dancing damsel, although the more conservatively dressed hostesses were ministering to the odd bum on a seat. The Los Angeles visitor went to point Percy at the porcelain and when he returned said there must have been a dozen dancers sat chatting amongst themselves in a room at the rear. He wondered how they were expecting to make a few baht if they didn’t mingle with the paying trade. It’s early days yet so I don’t want to be too critical.

Our next stop was the fairly new Sapphire Club at the dogleg bend in Soi 15, off Walking Street. This place was formerly the Camel Club and then had some eminently forgettable Irish name (I think) and appeared to struggle along. Now open as a go-go I can only say the place has some attractively attired service girls out front and was packed when we stuck our heads in, on what turned out to be opening night. What drove us out the door almost immediately was the smoky haze. It looked a bit like one of those smoking cubicles you see at airports, with a nicotine fog you could cut with a knife. I will have to go back at a later date to peer through the haze and see what all the fuss is about.

So, instead of staying we went deeper down the soi and into Club Misty’s go-go. It was doing a pretty good business and there were at least 30 to 40 chrome pole exponents scattered about the stages and at ground level, all in various states of limited, or non-existent, attire. The man from LA was immediately accosted by two ladies of dubious virtue, but eventually settled down to play the ‘What you name, where you come from? Buy me dlink!’ game with just one. Misty’s apparently went through a recent poor period as far as the general atmosphere and patronage of the joint was concerned, but, having celebrated its second anniversary at the Soi 15 location in early May I can say it’s well and truly back on track. This is a den that deserves to do well as the customer interaction ratio is high and it exudes a fun atmosphere. Lady drinks are 120 baht, which is now almost standard for most go-go’s in Fun Town.

Now that’s a ceiling: The Worldwide go-go on Beach Road (between Soi 7 and 8) has operated in pretty much the same way for most of its existence. People might recall it started life under the name G-Strings. It’s a very clean, large, nicely appointed den but I can’t really say it’s one of the more exciting places to visit in Fun Town. On my last visit I walked in at show time and was confronted by four damsels on the centre stage dressed in grass skirts and looking about as excited as a cow on its way to the abattoir. It might be worth setting fire to the skirts to at least liven things up a bit. This piece of art was then followed by the standard tongue-dancing show, although it owed more to Porky Pig than Lesbian Aliens Devour Earth Pussy. I had to resist a loud cheer when the turgid shows finally ceased and normal, bored to be here, pole dancing was resumed. The damsels are quick to work out who might be a potential mark. My friend and I, and a number of other customers as well, sat untroubled by the clutch of off-stage damsels who sat chatting amongst themselves. Then a couple of young Americans wandered in and were set upon by three or four wallet emptiers and before you could say ‘kangaroo in the headlights’ the lady drinks were on the table.

You know it’s about time to depart when you start finding the ceiling more interesting to observe than the dancers. I will say though that the ceiling is indeed a fine one, with impressive swirls of bright orange, yellow and green, although it owed more to Bob the Builder than Toulouse-Lautrec.

A different but dynamic duo: The Soi Buakhow area has just three go-go’s located a relatively short distance from each other: Club Oasis (on the corner of Soi Chaiyapoon), Baby Boom (in a small lane opposite the Sawasdee Hotel), and Champagne (Soi LK Metro).

Club Oasis (an advertiser on this page) and Champagne, to my mind, could hold their own on Walking Street. Not at the top of the tree by any means, but certainly far superior to many dens. Both have plenty of chrome pole huggers who move about as much as most people expect from the g-stringed bum wigglers. That is, some move more than others, depending on the time of night and their blood to alcohol ratio. Champagne is raunchier than Oasis, but I would contend that both have similar numbers of good bodies cavorting about in various states of attire. There’s one dancer in Champagne who could probably win a tattoo contest. Both are popular with locals and visitors and prices are not wallet gouging with draft amber froth at 60 baht in both joints. At various times it can be difficult to find a seat in either Club Oasis or Champagne. Both have garnered a loyal following and this is reflected in a consistent turnover, although I doubt either would be expecting to do much business during the key games of the soccer World Cup, after all, they’re go-go’s not sports boozers.