My Truthful and Sincere girlfriend

Dear Aunt Chanchira,

I just have one question. I visited Pattaya about 1 month ago, when there I met a lady at a bar. I know what her profession was. My friend had a girlfriend of 1 year that was the cashier at the same bar.

Well I went many places with this lady and discovered her background. Here it is. She was married from 17 to 22 -- one baby, she is 22 now, and her husband left her and her baby for another women. She left her job at the factory because her ex-husband worked there in Bangkok. Then she went to work in construction where she had a 100kg pipe fall on her and put her out of work once again. Now this puts her at this bar which she had worked three weeks prior to me ending up there. By the way, she is, like many, off a farm about 10 hours from Bangkok. At the end of my 30 days with her everyday I have a very strong feeling for her. I did little tests to see what kind of a person she was, such as leaving 5,000 Baht laying around to see if she would steal and things like that.

I would offer to buy her something and she would say, on more than one occasion, that she did not need it. Well I’m hooked like I am sure many Westerners are. I paid the bar off so she could leave and sent her to her home in the country with her parents. She really is there, as I have verified. She is extremely affectionate on the phone and in person. She basically says everything a guy would want to hear. Her parents want to meet me. Well I have tried to paint a picture the best I can. So here is the question. How does one know if the lady truly likes or even loves you, or is using you for her survival?

All my instincts tell me she is completely truthful and sincere. I have had many girlfriends stateside so it's not that this is the first attractive lady that has paid attention to me. I just really have fallen for this girl and want to make it work. But I don't want to be disappointed. Yes she is extremely beautiful which makes it harder. So any relationship advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Chris

Dear Chris,

According to my experience, Thai bar girls are essentially no more honest or dishonest -- in the Western sense -- than are women the world over. Basically they, like men, are out to cut the best deal possible. Relationships are based on putting one’s best foot forward, and marriage, as a wise man once said, is a situation of keeping both eyes open beforehand, and one eye shut afterward.

Your conspicuous question is “How does one know if the lady truly likes or even loves you, or is using you for her survival?” Every Thai bar girl is looking for a way out, and thus you’re always going to be perceived as a survival mechanism, which, in my opinion, is not a character flaw, merely a way of getting through life. As far as “love” is concerned, Thai women’s love meter runs on the same rheostat as the financial support meter, a trait not exclusive to Thais, but pretty much identical in all Asian cultures.

Most Thai bargirls will be smart enough not to take a few 1,000 Baht bills lying around, as they understand that larger things are in store, relationship- wise, than a mere 5,000 Baht. In my opinion, trust is something that comes with time, and you really have to be around her for more than two years on a fairly consistent basis to know whether she’s in love with your bank account more than you.

So what are the keys to look for in determining whether this is a good match? Here are a few:

1) Does she want to improve her education? Country girls don’t get much, as they’re expected to help support the family when they’re physically able to work a full day. If your girl doesn’t see a need to improve her situation through education, will you be as fascinated with her when she’s 30 years old as you are now?

2) Is she a shopaholic? If your dates increasingly begin at the Central Festival Pattaya Beach you’re forewarned that the relationship may be an expensive one. Your girl seems to resist this form of recreation, it would appear.

3) Does she have other boyfriends? If she works in a bar, the answer is yes. That’s her job. The question is, where do you fall in the list of prime candidates? Although Thais love mobile phones, if you find that she’s constantly monitoring incoming calls, then has to dash off around the corner “to call mama,” then be alert that she’s probably playing the field a bit still.

4) Going upcountry to visit her family? Do this at your own risk. Her job there is to “bring home the bacon,” and you’ll be expected to pay for meals and excursions for the entire family, which may include non-related “uncles and aunties” who drop in for the fun. You may be asked for cold cash and persuaded to give mom a gold chain, maybe even buy a motorbike for dad. Your girl is under severe familial pressure to make you the family’s private ATM while in the village. Instead of going through this timeworn ritual, why not instead suggest that you meet her parents one day while they’re visiting Bangkok? This way, you’ll get to meet them over a reasonably priced dinner.

I wish you the best of success, Khun Chris. Give her a little time, watch for the warning signs, and have fun. Your instincts are based on Western conditioning, which are quite different than Thai instincts, upbringing, and beliefs, so be careful when making assumptions. Importantly, there is no need to rush to marriage, something her parents may pressure her to do for monetary reasons. Thousands of Westerners have found good matches, and most were pretty careful in the first few years or so.

Aunt Chanchira